Sunday, May 17, 2015

What is it they say?

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"? Or wait. Is it "out of sight out of mind"?

I go back and forth on seeing which one applies more to how I live my life. I thought that once I graduated college and moved out of Muncie, I'd miss everyone I was around so incredibly much. But I didn't. Not that I don't enjoy seeing people I spent four years with, but leaving Muncie has shown me who really matters to me. Those are the people that when they're not around, my heart misses them that much more. And moving to Ohio has only amplified those feelings. 

Ohio has left me feeling very isolated from my life in Indiana. I find myself wondering which phrase do the people I care about apply to me? I hope that my absence makes their heart grow fonder! But that feeling of isolation allows for an onset of lies to take root. I'm afraid that they don't care about me - maybe they're more out of sight out of mind kind of people. And shouldn't I be able to live on my on? I'm an adult for crying out loud! It's not like I don't know how to take care of myself. And I'm only two hours away from everyone. But two hours is too far to drive for just dinner or coffee on a regular basis. That's a lot of gas that this poor grad student doesn't have the money for.

I find myself believing that they don't care about me like I care about them. And when the communication between us is suffering, those lies only take a deeper root. I'm definitely at fault for not reaching out first. But another lie that plants itself in me is "You reach out all the time! You're the one who always goes to Indiana - why don't they come to Ohio? You reach out first more than they do. It's their turn to come to you." That's definitely a dangerous place to be. Because I don't want to reach out first, I'm not going to tell them how I'm feeling. And if they don't know I'm struggling, they don't know to speak truth into me.

That leads into another lie: my feelings don't matter. Refusing to reach out first, not telling them how I feel, and then thinking my feelings don't matter. Wow. Talk about a dangerous cycle! It's definitely a hard cycle to break. And it's never easy to admit I've been believing lies. It's even harder to come back from those lies and accept and believe the truth. Funny how lies are so awful to us yet so comfortable at the same time?

This has been an underlying theme for the last two years. Not only with friends but with family as well. I know I need to just suck it up and tell people how I'm feeling. The Lord has been so sweet by giving me understanding friends who extend so much grace. It's something I continue to work on all the time. And something I don't think I'll ever be done working on.

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Thanks for bearing with me with the back-to-back serious posts! There's a lot of change happening in my life right now and I don't always deal with change the best (understatement of the year). And this place is a great way to get my thoughts in order and written in a cohesive way. Sometimes I just start writing and then I figure out what's really going on instead of thinking about what I want to write and then writing it. I think that's God's way of talking to me though. My fingers will just type away and then I type something, stop, re-read it, and go "Huh. So that's the root of that problem." It's pretty sweet!

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