Friday, May 15, 2015

Wholeheartedly

I love being single. But really, it's more that I'm very selfish about my time than anything. I love my time. I love being able to take a weekend and visit friends back in Indiana, take an extended weekend and fly to Florida for a mini-vacay, or take a day and drive to Ann Arbor with a friend. I love my time.

That being said, I still want a husband. I'm that girl who has had her entire wedding planned since she was about 8. It's something I think about every now and then, and even more now that a lot of my friends are married. I'm in a place where I don't want to casually date. I want to date to marry. If a guy isn't someone who I could see myself marrying, then bye Felicia! I don't think there's anything wrong with me wanting that. God gave me desires - one of mine happens to be that I want to be a wife and mother.

Where it gets not-so-great is when I start doubting His plan for my life. I'm almost 25, I should be getting engaged soon! At the rate I'm going I worry that I won't become a mom until after I'm 30. And that scares the crap out of me. I'm anxious about my future. I tell God, "It's not that I need a man right now, but will it happen?" And when He doesn't answer like I think He will, I get mad. Instead of getting "Yes, you'll meet your future husband next Wednesday at 5:23 PM", I get "Ashley, I am and forever will be enough for you."

I'm also a huge planner. I'm taking a trip to Ann Arbor with a friend to look for apartments for her next week. I mapped out where each apartment is, how long it takes to get from one to the other, and exactly what time we need to leave each place to be on time for the next appointment. I would absolutely die without my calendar. It was a glorious day when I learned how to sync the one on my laptop to the one on my phone (thank you iCloud). So this whole not-knowing-when-I'll-get-married thing is hard to grasp. What if I meet Mr. Ashley at a time when I wasn't planning on fitting someone else into my life? What if I meet him right before I move away from the city he's in? What if I meet him in a city that I didn't even plan on ever living in? What if I'm finally fully at peace with being single and then I meet him?! All of these what ifs are really challenging my need to plan out my life. So instead, I am daily learning how to trust in God's timing and not my own.

Thankfully I'm not alone in my singleness (even though it feels like it sometimes)! I follow this woman (Alyson Haley) on Instagram and she posted a picture of this new devo she got that's all about being single. Feeling like it was God saying "Here. You are angry and anxious and I really need you to stop.", I immediately ordered it. It's called Wholeheartedly - A Devotional For Singles. (She has a twin sister who makes and sells prayer journals as well (here's the link if you want to explore for yourself).) I am beyond excited to dive into this. I finished the first devo this morning and all I wanted to do was to keep going and finish the whole thing in one day. I could have, but that would have taken the fun out of listening to the Lord's voice on the daily devo. Not to mention I wouldn't get any work done in the lab.

I'm so excited to go through this with the Lord. I think this is a struggle that the Lord has always been pushing me to hand over to Him, but I just have never been able to. So this is my way of taking those steps to letting go of my fear of the future and letting go of my inability to plan my future.

If you're like me and you love music, the only song in my head the entire time I wrote this was Christ Is Enough by Hillsong. If you're still like me and have to listen to a song as soon as it's in your head, here's the song: 


Christ is and always will be enough for me.

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